You are liked.

Dear Wren and Lydia,

I woke up with an ah ha feeling today. My mind tends to work that way. A conversation we had yesterday was still simmering and processing in my mind. Wren you were talking to Dane about the fact that while you know he loves you…you wondered if that translated to him liking you as well.

We’ve been together as a family now for 2 years. You have watched before your eyes what it looks like for your mom to fall in love and I don’t mean just a little!

You’ve observed how well Dane loves me. Sometimes it’s been a source of frustration. Nothing like watching two lovebirds be affectionate! But I know at the same time you also respect how he treats me and have come to realize it’s a special gift.

It’s clear that Dane and I not only love one another very much but that we also like each other. So much so that the idea of spending every day and night together for the rest of our lives is one that makes us feel very happy and at peace. We don’t grow bored of one another. I wake up every morning looking forward to spending the day with Dane and I go to bed every night contented to share the same bed.

So yesterday in conversation, Wren, you asked if Dane not only loves you but likes you too and if so, what he likes about you.

Honestly, I believe this is what we all crave from one another, to not only be loved, which is wonderful…but to also be liked. To be delighted in. To know that others want to spend time with us, not because they have to but because they want to.

You would think that love would be the hardest thing, but honestly…liking someone else might be even harder.

I can love others enough to want them to have the basic necessities of life, to be treated with basic human dignity and have a good life…but I can in the very same breath and action not really like them enough to want them to be part of my inner circle or part of my schedule and daily life.

The reality is…liking someone is very different than loving them. When both are working in combination with one another the strength of that bond is undeniable.

Dane shared with you some of the things he likes about you yesterday Wren. His words to you were like precious gold. Dane is not a man of many words…most men aren’t, but I am amazed again at how powerful his influence is in your life and how the gift of his affirmation yesterday literally went down to your soul.

The ah ha part of this for me at 5am this morning is realizing the fact that while God loved the world so much that He sent His Son to die for us so that we could live and not perish and have everlasting life…and that’s amazing, He didn’t just stop there. Yes Jesus loves me. Yes the love of God is amazing. But the part that gets me most I think is the fact that God actually likes me. As in…He wants to spend every day and night with me. He isn’t just about making sure I am saved and have my basic necessities provided for and am treated with human decency…it’s more than that.

Heaven is His way of saying…I not only love you, I like you, and want to spend every day with you. It will never grow old. Heaven is His declaring not only are you worth loving in some abstract kind of way, but your very essence, who you are, is worth knowing and liking and spending time with. God will never grow bored with us and we will never grow bored with Him. So much so that we won’t even want to have night to sleep because we will be so enjoying each moment living in one another’s presence! And we all know how much we enjoy sleep around here!

It’s one thing to feel that God loves us or that we love other people. We are almost duty bound to feel that way. It just seems like the right thing to do. But it’s quite another for me to realize that the love of God is not about duty or just doing the right thing. The love of God is about delight, it’s about Him liking me and me liking Him. It’s about choosing to spend time together every day because there is no one else we would rather be with. It’s about totally being ourself in His presence and knowing that we are safe.

We don’t sing songs about Jesus liking us. I guess it wouldn’t have the same ring to it. And maybe I’m splitting hairs about the whole thing, but for me…Jesus loving me and dying for me is amazing and wow…but Jesus not just doing His duty or what was right, but actually wanting to be with me, to spend time with me, to actually know me and like me, and to choose me is profound.

All of us have people in our lives right now that we love but don’t really like. We probably wouldn’t come out and say that or often even realize it, but it’s true. We have people who have come into our lives because of family or some other experience and we know they are part of our story and lives but we didn’t choose them and we don’t choose very willingly to spend time with them. Not the way it should be. I’m not saying this is good. But it is reality.

There is only so much time in the day and only so much attention and love to go around so we have to make choices about how we will spend that time and attention.

I have this sense in which one of the great gifts of heaven will be the fact that we will no longer only have ‘so much time and attention’ to go around. There will be no limits on love. We will delight in one another and in God. Others will delight in us and for sure God will.

We can experience this here and now too. But it’s not as easy. We are distracted and we struggle with sin and selfishness.

I want you to know with confidence…that God not only loves you, sent His Son to die for you and save you, but that He also delights in you, likes you and enjoys being in your presence. He wants to spend every day and night with you. He doesn’t get bored of you. So much so that He plans to spend eternity with you.

This is why we have free will. This is why there is a choice. Love that is forced or not chosen is not really all that great.

God is holy. He has commands and we are to obey. But just as important…God is love, and girls…He  likes you so much. When you wake up…God is eager to spend the day with you. When you go to sleep…God is holding you close. Over and over and over without ever wanting to move on to someone else. God somehow can give this kind of love and care to everyone…and yet make it feel so personal.

This world is lacking when it comes to this kind of thing. We are distracted. We are selfish. Just not enough time and energy I guess. We get glimmers of it and maybe if we’re lucky get to have a few people in our lives who we love and really like too, but someday, in heaven I feel clearly that we will not only love one another but we will really and truly like one another too. All of the stuff that messes that up here and now will be gone.

We will see each other clearly. Now we know in part, but someday we will know fully and be fully known.

I’m glad that you asked a tough, direct question yesterday to Dane and that he clearly gave you plenty of reasons why he not only loves you but likes you too. (Lydia you were not at home during this conversation but I know he would do the same for you.)

Not everyone in this world will like you. In fact…most people will walk on by without even knowing you or taking the time to like you…which is their loss. And sadly, you will walk on past people and not take the time to like them. But you do have people in your lives that not only love you but like you very much too. All you need is a handful to make all the difference. You’ve got that handful.

Love your momma who not only loves you because God gave you to me to raise, but likes you and wants to be part of your lives forever.

 

Things I wish I would’ve known…

Dear Lauren and Lydia,

There are many times in my life when I think, I sure wish I would’ve had someone give me wise counsel about various things…marriage, finances, parenting, personal care, etc. when I was your age. I have great parents and I was part of a church community so I’m sure there was good counsel there, but somehow I still feel as if either I wasn’t asking the right questions or not listening close enough or it just wasn’t talked about enough back when I was your age. No one’s fault…just my perception of life.

So…I find myself wanting to make sure you have good counsel and don’t make some of the mistakes I’ve made. You’ll make your own…we all do, but if I can save you a few, I sure would be overjoyed to do so.

Finances…

This one is huge. I think I’ve been talking to you guys about money since you were little kids. I grew up fairly poor and so I hate to see money ever wasted. You know this about me. To the point where I can be a little over the top :). I’ve wasted far more money in my life than I wish I had. It’s so important to think about the long haul…to take the long term way of handling it. It’s so easy to be instantly gratified by whatever the latest thing is instead of just being content with what you have already. It’s so easy to buy cheap and fast when you could wait and buy what is best and will last.

I want you to know that if you could see the piles of stuff I’ve taken to goodwill in the last 10 years it would be astounding and it makes my heart sick to even think about it! Too much stuff. Too much clutter. Too much waste. Don’t do it!

When you travel someplace…no souvenirs are required. Don’t go shopping unless there is a reason to do so…as in a necessity. Don’t collect stuff…don’t fall for it. No one needs a collection of stuff sitting in their house. It just becomes junk at a later date and you wonder why you ever collected it in the first place. (I realize some people probably have great valuable collections…but for most of us…it’s just junk sitting on a shelf.)

When it comes to gifts…christmas, birthday, etc. keep it minimal…there is no reason to go over the top.

If you choose to spend money…spend it on making a memory or having an experience with those you love. I have found that is about the best way for me to spend money. I’ve put out a lot over the years to go on vacations and take family with us and those are precious memories for me and worth every penny.

Take pictures…enjoy life…don’t have anxiety about money, but don’t spend frivolously.

Seriously…when you go to places like Walmart, have a list and stick to the list.

When you are thinking about a large purchase, take your time, save up for it and then get it, often you’ll find while waiting it isn’t an important purchase anyway.

And be careful about online purchases…it’s far too easy to click and keep clicking and end up purchasing too much…even if it is a ‘great deal’!

Use cash whenever possible…it helps you to realize that yes you are actually spending money.

In the last few years you have seen me living a very different life…very different from most any other adult you know. It’s a very simple life. I have incredible freedom. My life is not a daily grind. It revolves around exercise, being outside, taking care of my family and our home, being involved at church, and interacting with neighbors. It doesn’t revolve around house projects hardly ever. It doesn’t involve shopping trips. And I try to make sure we don’t even eat out too much…I could do better in this area for sure. The main thing is…my life is free. My time is spent the way I want it to be.

I still work hard. I teach music lessons and make soap. I keep a house, cook and clean. I take good care of myself. I wife and parent. But it is deeply fulfilling work.

Just yesterday I was talking with Dane about money and the regrets I have from the past.

Your dad and I started out in debt up to our eyeballs the moment we got out of college. Not a good plan and something I knew I would never want for you two. We got a credit card in our first year of marriage and although we used it for fairly small purchases….it still snowballed and accumulated more than it ever should’ve. Various other things came along…sometimes I’ve tried to help people or rescue them when probably I shouldn’t have. I try to let that stuff go and assume I followed what I felt God wanted me to do at the time. And stuff…just far too much of it purchased over the years. While I’ve never had drugs or alcohol…I can say that shopping and eating out too much has definitely been a problem for me in certain seasons of my life.

As I talked to Dane yesterday I can see that God has redeemed it all…even the stupid mistakes I’ve made…but I can also see that I could’ve made life better for myself and my family easily if I had just been wiser.

That’s why I write to you.

You are on the start line. You have every opportunity to make good choices. There are many areas of life to think about, finances are just one, for sure…but they are a big one. Don’t buy stuff. Simply put, if you need something…put it on a list…wait and see if it really is a need or not. Don’t just go shop and randomly look around…it’s too easy to buy stuff you don’t need. And if you try something on, never buy it unless it looks so amazing on you it is something that makes you feel amazing. Don’t buy anything that is just so so…you won’t like it when you get home. Better to have less and have what you really love than a bunch of so so.

Don’t make big purchases without much counsel and saving. Cars…houses…electronics…etc. I have made this mistake far too often in my life. And the waste is depressing for me to think about. Don’t do it.

Better a small place to live with very few possessions than a large placed filled with a bunch of junk. Instead…make the outdoors your home. Go places…make memories…fill your mind, not your closet and cupboards. Be free.

The way America is headed…you have no guarantees about your future. Many of the people I know and love may never be able to retire…they may have to work the rest of their lives, often in jobs that are not all that fulfilling. The only way around this is for you to start where you are, saving…learning to live on a tight budget and thinking about your future.

Yes…be generous. Yes…live with an open hand to helping others. But don’t buy in to the idea that to be happy you need to have it all. You don’t.

I’ve lived both ways. I can tell you with confidence which way is better. My only regret is that I wish I had lived this way all along.

Love your momma who just wants the best for you.